The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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