How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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