why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
