what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
do nipples grow back?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
