I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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