So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
