I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
