and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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