I think I just saw someone hide a body.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
