My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
