I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
