wat bout pragnant strippers??
i can't believe i had my finger in that
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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