Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
