at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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