her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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