John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
