Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
