Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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