don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
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