I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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