I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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