I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Is Oprah even human
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
