Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
