we were pretty classy up until the second keg
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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