I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
