Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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