I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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