meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize