My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
