I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
