the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
