What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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