Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
