i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
