Your dad touched me again.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
