we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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