Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
