your parents love me but you hate me
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
