we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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