you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
