She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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