Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
