I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize