You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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