Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
