note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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