i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
