I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
