Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
