That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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