If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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