My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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