OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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