If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You left your underwear on the fireplace
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
