can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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