You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
