I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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