Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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