My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
