I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I could fuck to npr.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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