it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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