these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
if only i could text you this smell
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
