booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
