I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I need a hoe opinion
go on
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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