her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
