I wish I could teleport
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
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